I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
