Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
