my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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