I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
