the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize