my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my poor anus
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
