Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's shark week go big or go home
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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