I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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