Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
