you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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