two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
