it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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