We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
