I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
