you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
