a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
