is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
