I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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