I just cut my nipple shaving
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize