I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
