Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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