i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize