from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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