Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
