I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
