sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
