We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
