Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
