Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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