Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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