Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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