so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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