what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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