she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
