Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
