Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
