the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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