she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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