I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
