five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
