Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Couch. On fire.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
