the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
