dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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