I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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