Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
