no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
