It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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