after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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