you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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