just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
