Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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