I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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