i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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