Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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