I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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