I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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