They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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