I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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