i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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