My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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