I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
