Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize