I want to walk on stilts...naked
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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