So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
