And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
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