then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
